Movies I Hated in 2017

Right now, some high-powered consultants are being paid more than I’ll ever make in my lifetime to figure out why Hollywood movies are bombing at the box office. I’m sure they don’t want my advice, but here it is anyway: Enough with the annoying political and social messages! Audiences go to the theater to be entertained, not lectured or preached to. Hollywood has become the Rod Farva of the film industry–trying so hard but failing so tragically.

While I can’t blame all these dumpster fires on big budget studios, here are a few examples of the worst films released in 2017 (in no particular order):

The Hatred. Someone reportedly spent $800,000 on this piece of garbage. Four college coeds and a young girl must survive the night in a farmhouse haunted by an ex-NAZI and his daughter in The Hatred, written and directed by Michael G. Kehoe. The horror genre has long attracted up-and-coming filmmakers willing to take risks on shoestring budgets. This sometimes leads to cinematic masterpieces but often amounts to trash fit for the landfill. This film belongs solidly in the latter category. This is probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. The Hatred amounts to nothing more than a YouTube jumpscare short with a budget. [Read more…]

Rough Night. When Jessica “Jess” Thayer decides to plan a wedding while running for state senate, she’ll need a little help from her college friends, Alice, Frankie, Blair, and Pippa, to pull off a wild bachelorette party in Miami. Hilarity ensues when the ladies get drunk, snort a bunch of cocaine, and accidentally murder a male stripper, all while leading Jess’ loyal fiance, Peter, to believe she wants to cancel the wedding. In the end, they get away Scott free because, well, I guess manslaughter isn’t a thing in Florida. Comedy gold! This isn’t just a bad movie, it’s a morally reprehensible one. [Read more…]

Mother!, staring Jennifer Lawrence as the titular character and Javier Bardem as her husband, Him, is writer/director Darren Aronofsky’s nihilistic allegory for Biblical creation and the rape of nature. Though marketed as a psychological thriller, Aronofsky told Vanity Fair after the Toronto International Film Festival the film is “about how it must feel to be Mother Nature.” It’s not for the squeamish or easily triggered, but it’s not a work of genius either. For my part, it was painful to see talented actors and actresses, including Ed Harris and Michelle Pfeiffer, wasted on this pretentious monstrosity. [Read more…]

The Circle stars Emma Watson as Mae Holland, a young woman who lands a dream job at a tech company called The Circle. Skeptical at first, she comes to embrace The Circle’s vision of total openness and transparency, until ultimately uncovering the company’s nefarious agenda. It is based on a novel of the same name by Dave Eggers. The Circle is visually impressive, blending current and speculative technology to bring to life a world where the digital and physical overlap. If Apple made a movie, it would look like this. Clean, simple, elegant. Unfortunately, its message is lost in a plot thinner than an iPhone 7. [Read more…]

Annabelle: Creation. A group of orphans and a nun battle a demonic force personified by a creepy-looking doll in this latest installment of the The Conjuring Universe. Annabelle: Creation is a prequel-sequel to Annabelle (2014), a fictional account of Ed and Lorraine Warren’s battle with an allegedly possessed Raggedy Ann doll. This film departs entirely from reality, imagining an origin story for the doll. Both critics and audiences seem to enjoy it. Overall, it had a few eye-rolling moments, but it had a few genuinely scary ones as well. [Read more…]

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